It's gotten worse and worse the longer time rolls on. There is this certain physical pain I cannot escape. It's like being crushed in a gigantic vice grip with all my energy drained out of me, yet I am unable to expire. I wonder if you, the reader, know what it's like to be with someone, and still feel very much alone. So alone that you sometimes daydream about being happy in a relationship with another. Alone enough that you wonder why others are so lucky to have perfect counterparts. Lonely to the point where you search for things to do just to occupy yourself and draw your attention away from thinking about just how lonely you are. It's a gigantic loop that never seems to end itself. Not until you can find someone.
My entire life has been one non-stop solo campaign. Even those I thought could eventually lead me to happiness never actually turned out. I know it sounds cynical and overrated, but I honestly have no care left to be considerate of anyone's thoughts. At this point in my life, I just don't give a shit. I've decided that I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and actually try. At least that's what I tell myself every day. However I still end up falling back into my depressed, angry self. Depressed for no reason, and angry for too many. Even as I write this, I want to smack myself.
I've tried so damn hard. So hard, yet no result, and not a single person notices. Nobody actually wants to be with me. I know this because so far it's been true. I've been ignored, rejected, played, cheated on, and just straight up left behind due to lack of interest. It's getting really old. Maybe I don't have that many problems, and maybe my life isn't all that bad, but seriously, who can live with being alone. Even if you choose to live alone, it's written into our DNA to crave companionship. Love is something I don't mess with. I have no clue what the word even means. I would really like to know though. It'd be nice. To stop the loop.
Loop - verb. To continue in a specific circular pattern repetitively without end.
ReplyDeleteTo stop a loop - state of mind. To have the willpower and strength to be able to keep the repetitive cycle from continuing.
Genius with a Passive Life,
I do not know your story, or every situation that has left you in this vicious cycle. I can only give you you words that may or may not have any meaning to you.
It seems to me that you are trapped in a loop of bad choices of relationship partners. I do not know if these relationships were with people who were friends previously or with new acquaintances who peaked your romantic interest. But you are only 18, if even. Only a fraction of your life has expired. Love, or deep companionship, is not something to be searched for or rushed. It is something that will happen one day, slowly and subtlety.
I think to escape this loop you have found yourself in, you need to reassess your approach to beginning a relationship. You must wait until you find that person who will not leave you in their wake once they get bored. Do not go out searching for love, for you will get nothing but empty promises. Rather, let love find its way to not only you, but the person your genetic coding is destined to be with. Then let love form between you. It can happen. I have seen it happen. I have felt it happen.
So keep your possibilities open and endless, Passive Genius, and you may find love melting between yourself and someone you would never imagine. Stop your own loop. Change its direction. Create a line toward the love you want and deserve.
Well said.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your response, and will take it to heart. I've sort of come to the conclusion you unveiled before me. I just never knew exactly how to word it. So far, I've been letting time and events flow as normal. No searching, no deep analysis. My life, on cruise control. I've also found that not trying so hard to find someone has left me a happier person.
Thank you.
-Passive Genius.
I am glad to hear that things are currently going well on cruise control for you. And don't even think to mention it. I am more then happy to offer what advice I can. I am just glad that it was worth your time to read.
ReplyDelete