She Kills Me

Why do girls like her exist?

Just to tease us?

Knowing you have absolutely no chance, but it's dangled in your face regardless.
Cruel.

When it's obvious to yourself that you don't have what they want,
how exactly are you supposed to feel?

It corrodes your thoughts from the inside out.

Such beauty, wasted.
Wasted on these fools, these liars, these single-faceted leeches.

Consuming.
The cold; consuming.

In short.

Normally I'm not one to complain about waiting, but when you know you should be doing something else instead of waiting, I start to sink into my seat. I'm wondering what kind of person I would be had I not been exposed to so much as a child. Would I be hardworking and confident instead of wishing I was? There's no time to dwell on it now since I've only got one life and no continues.

I wish life had more of an RPG aspect to it. I'd definitely be putting points into my Charisma stat because I seem to have terrible luck with the ladies.

I suspect most people of being secretly really interesting. So secretly that they themselves don't even know it.

Yesterday I saw a girl with a face as kind as a gentle breeze on the beach, but she looks as if she's been told differently.

I don't know where my life is headed, but it's too much god damned fun to even worry about it right now.

Drugs don't make me happy, but they help me realize what I should be happy about. Being sober is good for you, but we are only human.

I can destroy worlds with my words, but getting them out there is the hard part.

Jealousy drives a hard bargain. It'll always be there, but without it, we have no drive to succeed for ourselves.

If I wrote a book, it would be half finished and full of plot twists that lead to murder.

I'm sick of worrying, but I love the thrill.

Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.

Fuck da police.

I have a fascination with hair. It's just dead cells, so why is it so cool?

Electronic music, man. Solar Fields sublimating my skull into a vortex neon gasses.

I constantly have dreams that I have telekinetic powers. I've interpreted this as me wishing that I could control everything at the same time with minimal effort, or just that even in my dreams, I'm too lazy.

In short there's a lot that goes on in my head, this is not even close to the entire list, but it's a few of the ones that really stick out.

The past.

I'm reading over all the posts I've written and published on this Blog. As I skim through the teenage angst, I realize that my life has changed. Greatly. The difference self-awareness is frightening. I'm actually laughing at my previous immaturity. I guess it's really not that big of a deal now. The past is the past. However, what would I be now, had I not been a fool once?

I'm kind of happy.

When you really start to feel it.

It hits you like a ton of bricks.
I feel depressed often and most of the time won't act upon it.
There is much to do, but I am pushing it all back.
I want life to stop.
I just need a rest.

The days

I've been laying in bed since 7:41. I argued with my mother about a small dent someone made in my car door about a week ago. I never called the girl back because I didn't even think it was a big deal, and when I say small dent, I mean hardly noticeable. Today I was hanging out with someone who I've been interested in for some time. I find it odd how she can constantly find ways to put herself down. I want to explain to her none of it's true, but how to do it is beyond me. I enjoy spending my time with her. I look at my life as it is and wonder, "Are these 'the days' I'm going to be happily remembering when I'm older?"

Burns

I smoked because it reminded me of her.

The light, cooling sensation of the menthol.
A small stick embodying a personal death wish.
Weightless, gray smoke sifts through the air like her hair would lay.
Softly, but roughly it swam down her cheeks.
"Why do you smoke," I'd say.
"It relaxes me," she'd reply.
All the while wondering if it were true, or she just wanted to die early.
Like the straw in my hat, she weaved herself under my skin.
With one powerful and quick motion, she ripped herself from me.
Tearing through my entire body.
The entirety of myself was caused the greatest pain I'd ever endured.
It was as if every cigarette she had, was put out on every inch of me.
I imagine she'd ash her cigarette a twelfth as much as she'd let tears escape her long lashes.
Even that was asking too much.
No longer did she care of how I felt. She did as she pleased.
She nurses a single beer the entire night and says she's had nine.
"I'm drunk."
A clever girl, she could get away with whatever she wanted and blame the "alcohol".
All the while, I sit in my room inside her cage.
Always with the ability to leave, though I never wanted to.
The door, open, beckoning.
As I find out the life she's lead, my brain reset itself.
The door that was originally open and waiting, was behind me.
Locked.
I closed my eyes and left.

About a year ago, I quit smoking.
Today, I smoked a pack.

Loop

It's gotten worse and worse the longer time rolls on. There is this certain physical pain I cannot escape. It's like being crushed in a gigantic vice grip with all my energy drained out of me, yet I am unable to expire. I wonder if you, the reader, know what it's like to be with someone, and still feel very much alone. So alone that you sometimes daydream about being happy in a relationship with another. Alone enough that you wonder why others are so lucky to have perfect counterparts. Lonely to the point where you search for things to do just to occupy yourself and draw your attention away from thinking about just how lonely you are. It's a gigantic loop that never seems to end itself. Not until you can find someone.

My entire life has been one non-stop solo campaign. Even those I thought could eventually lead me to happiness never actually turned out. I know it sounds cynical and overrated, but I honestly have no care left to be considerate of anyone's thoughts. At this point in my life, I just don't give a shit. I've decided that I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and actually try. At least that's what I tell myself every day. However I still end up falling back into my depressed, angry self. Depressed for no reason, and angry for too many. Even as I write this, I want to smack myself.

I've tried so damn hard. So hard, yet no result, and not a single person notices. Nobody actually wants to be with me. I know this because so far it's been true. I've been ignored, rejected, played, cheated on, and just straight up left behind due to lack of interest. It's getting really old. Maybe I don't have that many problems, and maybe my life isn't all that bad, but seriously, who can live with being alone. Even if you choose to live alone, it's written into our DNA to crave companionship. Love is something I don't mess with. I have no clue what the word even means. I would really like to know though. It'd be nice. To stop the loop.