When you really start to feel it.

It hits you like a ton of bricks.
I feel depressed often and most of the time won't act upon it.
There is much to do, but I am pushing it all back.
I want life to stop.
I just need a rest.

The days

I've been laying in bed since 7:41. I argued with my mother about a small dent someone made in my car door about a week ago. I never called the girl back because I didn't even think it was a big deal, and when I say small dent, I mean hardly noticeable. Today I was hanging out with someone who I've been interested in for some time. I find it odd how she can constantly find ways to put herself down. I want to explain to her none of it's true, but how to do it is beyond me. I enjoy spending my time with her. I look at my life as it is and wonder, "Are these 'the days' I'm going to be happily remembering when I'm older?"

Burns

I smoked because it reminded me of her.

The light, cooling sensation of the menthol.
A small stick embodying a personal death wish.
Weightless, gray smoke sifts through the air like her hair would lay.
Softly, but roughly it swam down her cheeks.
"Why do you smoke," I'd say.
"It relaxes me," she'd reply.
All the while wondering if it were true, or she just wanted to die early.
Like the straw in my hat, she weaved herself under my skin.
With one powerful and quick motion, she ripped herself from me.
Tearing through my entire body.
The entirety of myself was caused the greatest pain I'd ever endured.
It was as if every cigarette she had, was put out on every inch of me.
I imagine she'd ash her cigarette a twelfth as much as she'd let tears escape her long lashes.
Even that was asking too much.
No longer did she care of how I felt. She did as she pleased.
She nurses a single beer the entire night and says she's had nine.
"I'm drunk."
A clever girl, she could get away with whatever she wanted and blame the "alcohol".
All the while, I sit in my room inside her cage.
Always with the ability to leave, though I never wanted to.
The door, open, beckoning.
As I find out the life she's lead, my brain reset itself.
The door that was originally open and waiting, was behind me.
Locked.
I closed my eyes and left.

About a year ago, I quit smoking.
Today, I smoked a pack.

Loop

It's gotten worse and worse the longer time rolls on. There is this certain physical pain I cannot escape. It's like being crushed in a gigantic vice grip with all my energy drained out of me, yet I am unable to expire. I wonder if you, the reader, know what it's like to be with someone, and still feel very much alone. So alone that you sometimes daydream about being happy in a relationship with another. Alone enough that you wonder why others are so lucky to have perfect counterparts. Lonely to the point where you search for things to do just to occupy yourself and draw your attention away from thinking about just how lonely you are. It's a gigantic loop that never seems to end itself. Not until you can find someone.

My entire life has been one non-stop solo campaign. Even those I thought could eventually lead me to happiness never actually turned out. I know it sounds cynical and overrated, but I honestly have no care left to be considerate of anyone's thoughts. At this point in my life, I just don't give a shit. I've decided that I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and actually try. At least that's what I tell myself every day. However I still end up falling back into my depressed, angry self. Depressed for no reason, and angry for too many. Even as I write this, I want to smack myself.

I've tried so damn hard. So hard, yet no result, and not a single person notices. Nobody actually wants to be with me. I know this because so far it's been true. I've been ignored, rejected, played, cheated on, and just straight up left behind due to lack of interest. It's getting really old. Maybe I don't have that many problems, and maybe my life isn't all that bad, but seriously, who can live with being alone. Even if you choose to live alone, it's written into our DNA to crave companionship. Love is something I don't mess with. I have no clue what the word even means. I would really like to know though. It'd be nice. To stop the loop.